


Here

by MajorWolfe



Category: Holby City
Genre: AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:52:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16376558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorWolfe/pseuds/MajorWolfe
Summary: "I won't be anywhere but here."A Balex AU that starts when Bernie and Alex meet, which is a lot earlier than the in the show.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I'd take a break from the Berena for a little while and write something different for a change. There will be updates to this but don't expect anything regular.

She took a deep breath to calm her nerves, hoisting her large rucksack on her back and shouldering the battered holdall before crossing the road from the bus stop to the university campus.

It didn't take her long to find her halls of residence and join the queue to receive her keys, feeling a pang of jealousy as she realised that almost everyone else in the queue had a parent or guardian with them.

She hadn't been planned, didn't need to be told that, an unexpected third child arriving 17 years after her brother and almost 20 after her sister. She'd hated it as a child, people always confusing her parents for her grandparents, but she hated it even more now, her father having passed away from a sudden heart attack when she was 15, her mother having been dead for just 6 short months after Bernie had spent 18 months of her 2 year break from education nursing her through her battle with cancer, the woman's insistence on a stiff upper lip meaning that by the time she admitted she'd found a lump in her breast, it was too late, it had already spread.

She felt lucky, that the university had been understanding, that they'd even agreed to defer her place for one year never mind two was a miracle in her eyes, and, as her siblings were both married with families and homes of their own, it had been agreed that, as a thank you for taking care of their mother, Bernie would inherit the family home. She had no need for a four bedroomed farmhouse in the country right now, so, with a little help from her brother, who'd been the one to suggest it in the first place, they'd moved most of the family belongings into storage and she was renting out the home to help pay for university.

Both her brother and sister had offered to help her move into her halls of residence but she'd politely turned them down, she was on her own now, she had to get used to that, and now seemed as good a time as any.

She eventually made it to the front of the queue and handed over the letter she'd been sent, confirming her accommodation. “So you're in block C” the woman behind the desk handed over her keys, explaining what each key was for, “flat 14 on the ground floor, room 6”. Bernie nodded, she'd chosen the room purposely, it was at the back of the accommodation block, looking over a small garden area and it was in the corner, something she hoped meant she'd get slightly more peace than if she was on the front of the building.

“Hey” Bernie looked up at the exclamation, finding a brunette grinning up at her, eyes shining bright with excitement, “I'm in room 5, we're going to be neighbours” she flicked her fringe out of her eyes before holding out her hand, “Alex, Alex Dawson.”

“Bernie…” she finally stammered, “Bernie Wolfe.”

“Come on” Bernie was surprised when Alex grabbed her hand, “let's go and check it out.”

“Don't you have any bags?” Bernie frowned.

“My mum's waiting in the car with all my stuff, is that all you've got?” she asked, picking up the holdall Bernie had put down to sign some papers.

‘Yeah, I erm, I'm going to head into town later, get some pots and pans and things.” Bernie was genuinely taken aback by the way Alex was chatting with her like they'd known each other for ever.

“Don't worry about it” Alex waved her hand dismissively, “my parents got a bit over excited, I think I'm going to be the only student with an 8 piece pan set and a 36 piece dinner service, as long as you do the washing up we can share” she winked cheekily. “Come on” she beamed, “come and say hi to my mum?” She didn't give Bernie chance to answer, fingers still entwined and her holdall in Alex's hand, she was dragged across the car park towards an overflowing Ford focus.

“About time” the woman she assumed to be Alex's mother stood from the car, “I thought you'd got lost in there” she teased.

Alex rolled her eyes, “this is Bernie Mum” she grinned, “she was getting her keys at the same time as me and she's in the room next door, how cool is that?”

“Very cool” Alex's mum laughed before holding her hand out for Bernie to shake, “nice to meet you Love, and I apologise for that one” she nodded her head towards Alex, “she's always been full of beans, feel free to tell her to shut up if you need to, I do.”

Bernie chuckled slightly, “I'll remember that” she said as Alex rolled her eyes again.

Alex's mum noticed the bag on Bernie's back and the holdall in her daughter's hand that she assumed belonged to the other girl, “are you here on your own?”

“Yeah” Bernie looked down at her feet as she scuffed her toes in the dirt, “I erm, my dad died when I was 15, my mum passed away about 6 months ago” she whispered, her voice catching in her throat, “so it's just me.”

“Oh Love” Bernie found herself pulled into a tight hug, surprised to feel tears pricking at her eyes as she inhaled the familiar floral scent the woman wore, a perfume not too dissimilar to the one her mother always wore.

Alex reached out to gently squeeze Bernie's arm in what she hoped was a reassuring manner, “sorry to hear that” she said softly. 

“Thank you” Alex's mum finally let go of Bernie, the blonde not surprised when she produced a tissue from her pocket when she saw Bernie dab at her eyes with her sleeve.

“Come on” she gently patted Bernie's arm, “let's get the two of you moved in then. I've got a party planned later to celebrate you moving out” she joked as she opened the boot of the car, loading both Alex and Bernie up with bags and boxes before following them inside with more.

Bernie helped Alex and her mum carry all the things inside before excusing herself to unpack. She smiled to herself as she pushed the door open, it was nowhere near as big as her room at home but it was bigger than she'd expected, there was a large window that looked over the lawned area and plenty of storage space for her few belongings.

It didn't take long for her to unpack and make up her bed, the university helpfully having left the bedding pack she'd purchased when she'd reserved her accommodation on her bed so she down have to drag a duvet and pillows on the train.

Not wanting to seem antisocial, she used a battered old trainer to prop the door open once she'd unpacked before settling herself on the bed with a book. 

She lost track of time as she read, jumping slightly when there was a gentle knock on her open door, “sorry Love, didn't mean to startle you” Bernie couldn't help but smile when she saw the other woman.

“No, no. It's fine” Bernie stood from her bed, “Is everything okay?”

“Everything's fine” the woman nodded, “Alex is all settled and I'm going to get off, I just wanted to give you this first” she said as she handed over a piece of paper obviously torn from a notebook, “it's my phone number” she said as she saw the blonde frown at the page, “being on your own is scary sometimes, no matter how old you are” she said, having already guessed that Bernie was a few years older than her own daughter, “so if you need anything, I'm only a phone call away.”

Bernie smiled, folding the paper neatly and slipping it into the back pocket of her jeans, “thank you.”

“It's okay” she reached out to squeeze Bernie's hand, “you look after yourself and I'm sure I'll see you soon.”

Bernie nodded, “have a safe journey home” she said quietly before the woman left to say a final goodbye to her own daughter.

Alex's mum had barely been gone for 10 minutes before there was another knock at the door, this time Alex herself was stood in the doorway, a happy smile still on her face. “Do you fancy going to the SU bar or something?” she asked, desperately trying to hide how nervous she felt now her mum had gone.

“I erm, it's not really my thing” Bernie said dismissively, “too many people” she tried to explain.

“Right, well erm, I've got a few beers in the fridge and my dad let me bring my telly with me, so if you want to watch a film or something…”

Bernie looked up, saw how nervous Alex looked, realised that, whilst she had been living alone since her mother had moved into a hospice, been taking care of the house for long before that, this was probably Alex's first night living on her own. “Yeah” okay then” she nodded, “we could order pizza later if you want?”

“Yeah” Alex smiled shyly, “I'd like that.”

Bernie's eyes widened as she walked into Alex's room, the walls were adorned with posters, the front of her wardrobe covered in photos and there were fairylights hanging from the wall over the bed. “This looks a lot nicer than my room” Bernie laughed, sitting on the patterned duvet cover when Alex gestured to the bed.

Alex shrugged as she handed over a beer, “you've only been here a couple of hours. There's plenty of time to spruce it up a bit. Now” she flopped onto the bed beside Bernie and threw some dvd cases onto the bed beside her, “what do you want to watch?”

Bernie picked out a film and Alex opened a sharing size bag of crisps, putting them on the bed between them, telling Bernie to help herself.

Conversation flowed freely as they spoke about their families, Bernie finding out Alex was the oldest of four, that she had 15 year old twin brothers and a 11 year old sister, Bernie telling Alex about her siblings and her seven nieces and nephews.

“So” Alex sat cross legged at the head of the bed, taking a gulp of her beer before she spoke again, “standard first day of uni question… What A levels did you do and what are you studying?”

Bernie laughed, draining her own bottle before answering, “Biology, Chemistry, Maths and French” she blushed slightly as she admitted she'd taken a language, “studying medicine, I'd like to join the army, the medical corps as a trauma surgeon.”

“That's brilliant” Alex grinned, “I'm doing medicine too, only anaesthetics, we could make a dream team” she grinned.

“Yeah” Bernie laughed, the beer having done its job and relaxed her a little, “we should.”

The film soon ended but Bernie and Alex didn't notice, one beer had turned into several and they were now laid, side by side on the single bed, Alex telling the blonde some of the worst jokes she'd ever heard, jokes partly ruined by Alex's inability to stop giggling or, for several of the jokes, remember the right punchline.

Neither of them saw it coming, in fact, neither of them could remember who moved first, but they both knew when it happened, when their lips touched both pulling back slightly before moving in again, their kisses fiercer this time, both battling for dominance, only breaking apart when the need for air became too much.

They stayed close, foreheads touching as they caught their breath, Bernie's hand on Alex's hip, Alex's fingers tangled in Bernie's hair. They didn't speak, didn't feel the need to, simply laid in the darkness, limbs tangled as they shared lazy, soft kisses, both trying to fight off the urge to fall asleep.

It was Bernie who caved first, another loud yawn from Alex and she smiled softly, “I should go” she whispered, “let you get some sleep”.

Alex didn't protest, just nodded tiredly as Bernie stood from the bed, “see you in the morning?” she asked.

Bernie nodded and smiled, “of course. Sleep well.”

“Yeah” Alex rolled onto her side to face the wall, already drifting off to sleep, not bothered that she was still fully dressed and upside down in the bed, “you too.”

Bernie let herself back into her bedroom, barely having time to lock the door before she sank backwards, sliding down the cool wood to the floor as her breath caught in her throat. She'd kissed Alex, someone she'd only known for five minutes. A girl she'd only known for five minutes. She bit down on her knuckled to stifle a sob as her tears rolled down her cheeks.

She didn't move from the floor, not until her tears had stopped and her breathing eased, pulling herself to her feet and slipping off her jeans before crawling under her duvet and falling into a restless slumber. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one this time, but I needed to set things up for the next chapter.

Bernie woke early the next morning, pulling on a sports bra and a pair of leggings along with her battered old trainers, taking a minute to fill her water bottle before leaving the flat.

She didn't know the area well but that didn't stop her, she found a housing estate not far from the campus and began running, trying not to think about anything but the rhythm of her feet pounding against the pavement as she ran, pushing herself harder than usual, trying to focus on the burning of her muscles and the sound of her pulse pounding in her ears.

The fact she was in a new area, hadn't really been concentrating, meant she ran further than she usually did, 10k was usual for her, she threw in the odd longer run, contemplating running a half marathon at some point, but they were usually planned, worked up to, but not today. Today she pushed herself to the point where she had to stop, leaning against a bus stop to sip at her water when she felt like she might vomit.

It took her a while to find her way back to campus, slowing down to a jog for a while before having to walk the last 10 minutes back to her flat.

Alex woke an hour or so after Bernie left and ran her fingers through her hair before padding through to the kitchen, still in yesterday's clothes, filling up the kettle and dropping two slices of bread into the toaster.

She yawned slightly as she waited for her toast, frowning as she saw Bernie practically stagger past the kitchen window, the young woman obviously exhausted. She waited a few moments, slightly worried when she didn't come into the flat.

Alex gave Bernie another couple of minutes before going outside, finding the blonde sat on the step outside their block, eyes closed, head leaning on the wall beside her, “are you okay?” Alex asked softly.

Bernie nodded and swallowed hard, knowing she'd pushed herself too far with too little preparation, “I got a bit lost” she mumbled, tongue darting out to lick at her dry lips, “ran further than I planned.”

Alex noticed the water bottle Bernie clutched was empty and decided to get her inside. “Come on” Alex stood from where she'd crouched beside Bernie and held her hands out, “let's get you inside.” She watched as Bernie pulled herself to her feet, ignoring Alex's offer of help, but Alex couldn't stop herself reaching out to grab Bernie when she saw the blonde stumble.

Alex helped Bernie back to her room, Bernie producing the keys from the pocket of her running leggings to allow Alex into the room, settling her on the bed and promising she'd be back in a minute.

She headed back to the kitchen, sticking the toast back in the toaster again before she filled a pint glass of water for Bernie and grabbed a banana too before letting herself back into Bernie's room, finding the blonde where she'd left her. “Here” Alex handed Bernie the water, “drink it slowly.”

Alex stayed with Bernie until she'd finished the water and eaten the toast and banana. “Thanks” she finally managed to mumble.

“It's okay” Alex smiled softly.

“I erm…” Bernie ran her index finger around the rim of the glass, “about last night" she choked out, “we… I… I'm not…”

Alex frowned slightly before realising what Bernie meant, “oh, okay” she didn't seem phased by it, “that's okay, I'm not just going to pounce on you out of the blue.”

“You, you're…”

“Yeah” Alex nodded, “I am, is that a problem.”

“No, no, it's not…”

“Good” Alex smiled, “because I think my Mum would kill me if I scared you off the first night we were here” she smiled, watching as Bernie's lips curled in a smile.

“Now, I'm not saying you smell or anything but why don't you jump in the shower? And when you're done I'll make us both some proper breakfast.”

Bernie nodded, slightly relieved that she hadn't ruined her friendship with the brunette “okay”.

Alex smiled, “make sure you stretch too. Yell if you need a hand.”

Bernie nodded, letting Alex help her to her feet this time. “Thank you.”

Alex and Bernie became firm friends as the term progressed, they had several lectures together and even managed to secure placements in the same hospital. Their kisses on the first night were never mentioned, Alex not at all bothered by the fact Bernie wanted to keep their relationship platonic.

It didn't sit right with Bernie though, no matter how many times she tried to convince herself she was straight, she didn't fancy Alex, she couldn't stop the pang of jealousy she felt every time she saw the brunette flirting with another woman. And it happened a lot. It was obvious Alex was comfortable with who she was, her bubbly personality meaning she was always around people, her tactile nature setting Bernie on edge, every time she saw Alex with an arm around another woman, saw her kiss someone on the cheek, Bernie couldn't help but wish she could scream at the other woman to get away from Alex.

Alex's mum said the pair were good for each other, Alex encouraging Bernie to come out of her shell a little and socialise with the others, both on their course and in their flat, Bernie encouraging Alex to keep on top of her studies.

Bernie had been surprised by the sinking feeling in her chest when, half way through the first term, Alex had introduced her to Ella, a tall athletic red head, smart, witty and confident. Bernie had told Alex she was happy for her, had turned down invitations to join the pair of them, not wanting to play gooseberry all night. But Bernie had also been there six weeks later when Ella had told Alex she was getting back with her ex, it was Bernie who sat up all night with Alex and a bottle of whiskey, letting Alex tell her what a cow Ella was.

Almost in the blink of an eye the first term was coming to an end, everybody making plans to head home for Christmas, “are you spending it with your siblings?” Alex asked Bernie, the pair sat cross legged on the floor of Alex's room, wrapping up the presents they'd bought earlier that day.

“No” Bernie admitted, “I think I'm going to stay here, have a quiet one.”

Alex frowned, “you can't stay here on your own Bern. Come home with me, you know my Mum would love to see you.”

“No, no, I couldn't do that, honestly I'll be fine here.”

She shouldn't have been surprised. Should have known Alex would have mentioned her plans to her mum. Should have known the woman wouldn't take no for an answer, but she still found herself tearing up when she opened her post one day to find a letter from Alex's mum, telling, not asking her to join them for Christmas, even including return train ticket so Bernie had no choice but to gratefully accept, and try and convince herself that she'd be just fine spending the holidays with Alex and her family.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex fell asleep on the long journey back to Leeds, her head lolling on Bernie's shoulder as she slept peacefully. Bernie once again feeling her heart sink as she looked down at the head on her shoulder, wondering, not for the first time, if she'd made the right choice to tell Alex she only wanted to be friends. 

They were met at the train station by a friendly man in a suit, Alex hugging him tightly and introducing him to Bernie as her father. “Steve” he told her as he shook her hand before ignoring her protests taking her case out to the car. 

Alex had warned Bernie that her house would be chaotic but it still took Bernie a few moments to compose herself when she stepped into the hall, two teenage boys were arguing over a video game on the sofa, and almost before the door had closed, a small girl came racing from the kitchen, throwing herself at Alex, the brunette letting out a quiet “oof” before wrapping her arms around her sister and ruffling her hair, “hello squirt.” 

Alex was about to introduce her sister to Bernie but didn't get chance as her mother appeared from the kitchen, throwing her arms around Bernie and hugging her tightly, “how was the journey?” she asked her. 

“Good thank you, and thank you for the train ticket, I've got the money to…” 

“Nonsense” she shook her head, “If I wanted you to pay for it then I wouldn't have sent it you.”

“Thank you.” 

“It's okay” the woman squeezed Bernie's hands, “now, you're in with Alex, I hope that's okay, I've set the airbed up and…” 

“You can have my bed” Alex told her, “I'll have the airbed.”

“Good, now, go get sorted upstairs and freshened up, dinner will be about half an hour.” She looked to Alex, “have you said hello to your brothers?” Alex shook her head, “oi” she called into the living room, “Alex is here.” 

The two boys both lifted a hand, calling “hi Alex” without looking up from their game. 

“They do usually have manners” Alex's mum told Bernie, “now, go on, Alex, show Bernie your room, you give your sister some room and come and help me finish dinner” she told the girl who was still clinging to Alex. “Half an hour” she reminded them both before going back into the kitchen with her youngest daughter. 

“So” Alex dropped her bag on the floor, “this is my room” she gestured vaguely around the space, “the bathroom's the door at the top of the stairs. You've met my mum and dad already, the kid's called Josephine but she prefers Joey and the brats are Harry and Sam, don't worry if you can't tell them apart, but today, Harry's the one in the black top, Sam's the one in blue.”

Bernie nodded as she stood awkwardly by the door, “right, thank you.” 

Alex smiled, “make yourself at home” she gestured to the bed, “you don't just have to stand there all night.”

They'd barely been upstairs for 10 minutes when Alex's phone beeped to signal a text. “Everything okay?” Bernie asked when she saw Alex chewing her lip and looking at her phone. 

“Friends from college” she gestured to her phone, “they've invited me to go out tomorrow night, obviously you could come too, but I know you're not a big fan of clubbing so…” 

“No, I mean, if you want to go, I don't want to be the reason you don't get to see your friends.”

Alex smiled and typed out a reply before smiling up at Bernie, “we don't have to stay out all night, I think they're meeting in the pub first, so we don't have to go into town if you don't want to.” 

Bernie smiled and nodded, “we'll see how we feel tomorrow yeah?”

“Of course” Alex grinned. 

Alex lent Bernie something to wear the next evening and she made sure to introduce Bernie to all her friends, not wanting her to feel left out. 

Bernie frowned slightly and slipped at her beer as she watched Alex at the bar, her hand on the hip of a woman Bernie knew she'd dated in the past, the girl leaning in to whisper something in Alex's ear, Alex laughing, shaking her head and batting playfully at the other woman's arm. 

She hated it, wished she wasn't staying with Alex, that she could make her excuses and leave. Contemplated doing it anyway, she had savings, knew she could easily afford a train ticket back to Holby, could spend Christmas alone in halls like she'd planned. She could but she wouldn't, Alex's parents had been so warm and welcoming to her, she couldn't be so rude. She'd made the decision to just be friends with Alex, she'd have to deal with the consequences of that. 

Instead she chose to keep drinking, beer mixed with whiskey, getting drunker and drunker, trying to ignore just how close Alex and the other woman were. 

It was later than Bernie had hoped when she and Alex got into a taxi back to Alex's house, the tension between the two evident, Bernie's heart aching with jealousy.

“Right” Alex hissed once her bedroom door was firmly closed, conscious of the fact everyone else was sleeping. “What’s your problem? You've barely said two words to me all night. And if looks could kill, you'd have had Chloe six feet under five minutes after we walked into the pub. If me being gay is a problem then tell me now Bernie.”

“No, no, it's not…” 

“Well then what is it?” Alex snapped, “because you…”

She stopped, couldn't finish her sentence as she was pushed backwards, her back hitting the wall with a dull thud as Bernie kissed her roughly, robbing her of breath. 

“Bern” Alex whispered when she finally pulled back. 

“I was scared” Bernie took a step back and began to pace the room nervously, “when you kissed me I panicked, I've never… I haven't even had a boyfriend before, all my, I… I… being, not being straight, it never, never crossed my mind and then you kissed me and it was, still is all I can think about. And I get jealous” she whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding her head in her hands, “I get jealous when I see you with other women” she admitted before whispering, “because they're not me.” 

“Bern” Alex sat on the bed beside her. “I, I didn't…”

Bernie shook her head, “I erm, I'll leave in the morning” she said softly, “go back to the halls.”

“Don't”. 

Bernie frowned, “what?” 

“Don't go, please? The kiss. You're not the only one that keeps thinking about it. All the other women, Ella, it never worked out because they're not you.” 

“You…”

“I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to you Bernie, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable, if you want to do this then we can, and we can take it as slowly as you want, but if you don't, if you do just want to be friends, then I'm okay with that.”

Bernie finally lifted her head, Alex surprised by the tears shining in her eyes, “I…” she looked at Alex for a moment, “can I kiss you?” 

Alex nodded, their lips meeting again, more gently this time, “it's getting late” she said softly when they broke apart, “we should get some rest.”

Bernie nodded, “will you stay?” 

“Yeah” Alex smiled softly, “let's get changed and then get settled yeah?”

They changed quickly, Alex shuffling against the wall and holding her arms out, Bernie shuffling into her arms and settling against her chest, feeling Alex drop a soft kiss to her hair before they both quickly fell into a peaceful sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Debbie knocked quietly on the bedroom door the next morning, slowly pushing it open when she got no response, smiling to herself at the sight of Bernie and Alex curled up together before she pulled the door shut again and headed downstairs. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't expected it to happen eventually, she and Alex had always been close, she'd been young when Alex had been born, at times they'd almost been more like sisters than parent and child and Alex was like an open book, Debbie could read her a mile off and Alex didn't keep anything from her mum.

Alex had called Debbie a few nights after she'd arrived at uni and told her everything, told her that she and Bernie had kissed, told her how much she liked Bernie but Bernie only wanted to be friends. She'd even admitted to her mum that she thought Bernie was scared, that she'd panicked, but she'd promised Debbie she wouldn't push Bernie, that she'd give her space and see what happened. Not that Alex needed to be told, she'd have done that anyway. She knew though, Debbie knew Bernie and Alex would end up together eventually, but she also knew she wasn't going to say anything, she'd let the pair of them tell her in their own time.

She didn't need to wait long. Bernie had been playing little spoon to Alex's big spoon when she woke, she'd laid in Alex's arms for a while, savouring the feeling of being held, wanting to make the most of it, just in case Alex felt differently now she wasn't so drunk, but a gentle kiss to her hair told her that not only was Alex awake, but she didn't mind the situation she'd woken up in, so Bernie turned in her arms, smiling gently when she was greeted by a gentle kiss to her lips.

“Morning” Alex whispered, brushing Bernie's curls from her face, “how are you feeling?” she asked, knowing Bernie had drunk a lot more than she had last night.

“Bit rough if I'm honest” Bernie admitted, voice still laced with sleep, “feel better for seeing your face though.”

Alex laughed and kissed Bernie again, “a charmer are you?” she teased before kissing Bernie a third time, “let's go and get you some water and some painkillers, and Mum makes a mean bacon butty when I'm hungover” she told her, “and it'll probably just be Mum, Dad takes the boys to football on a Sunday and then takes Joey to swimming lessons so it'll be a quiet house until lunchtime.

Alex's fingers were linked with Bernie's as they walked downstairs, neither of them letting go of the others hand as Alex asked her mum if they had any bacon, Debbie laughing and getting the hint, pausing only to ask if Bernie preferred red or brown sauce as she headed to the kitchen.

They were curled together on the sofa, Bernie's head against Alex's chest, Alex's arms around Bernie, when Debbie came back with a tray, two bacon sandwiches, two mugs of tea, a bottle of water and a box of painkillers, “need anything else?” she asked.

“Nah, I'm good thanks” Alex smiled, adding on “thanks Mum” as Bernie echoed that she too was fine and thanked Debbie too.

“Okay, I'm going to nip out and get a few bits for later” she told them, “I'll be putting a load of washing on when I get back” she told them both, “so if either of you have got any washing, make sure it's in the pile please.”

Bernie smiled and nodded, both loving and feeling overwhelmed by how welcoming Alex's family were, the dynamics of the Dawson family so different to that of her own, and they'd just embraced her as part of the family without question. She'd spent almost 21 years of her life in the house she'd grown up in, but she'd never felt as much at home there as she did just two days after arriving at Alex's.

Neither of them expected to fall asleep on the sofa, but that was how Steve found them when he came back with Joey and the twins. Alex laid out on her back, Bernie on her side against Alex's front, blonde hair splayed out over Alex's chest as they slept soundly, Alex's arms around Bernie's waist.

“Right you lot” Steve turned to the kids, “upstairs, you two need to shower” he told the boys, “Joey you can play in your room for a little bit, Bernie and Alex are asleep on the sofa, don't wake them up.”

Bernie was the first to stir a while later, still wrapped in Alex's arms, the sound of Alex's heartbeat echoing in her ear and she smiled softly to herself, letting her eyes close again as she enjoyed the feeling of being held. It was a new feeling for Bernie, her parents hadn't been tactile, had pretty much done all they could to spend as little time as possible with Bernie. There were no kisses goodnight, no scraped knees being kissed better, and, until her final days, Bernie couldn't remember the last time her mother had even held her hand. In fact, in the three months since she'd first met Alex, she'd met Debbie twice and, as far as she could remember, Debbie had given Bernie more hugs than she could remember her own mother giving her in her whole lifetime.

She raised her head, looking up at Alex when she felt fingers gently comb through her hair, “I didn't realise you were awake” Alex smiled sleepily, kissing Bernie's nose.

“I've not been awake for long” Bernie smiled softly, her smile growing as she felt the fingers of Alex's free hand link with hers.

“Do you need anything?” Alex asked.

“I'm a bit thirsty” Bernie admitted.

“Let's get you a drink then” Alex gently kissed Bernie's hair, “I'm getting ready for something else to eat.”

Bernie panicked slightly when she was led into the kitchen, her fingers once again entwined with Alex's, only to find Alex's dad already in the room. “You're awake” he smiled when he saw the pair of them, not mentioning their joined hands. “I'm making dinner for Joey and the boys, I told them to stay upstairs so they didn't wake you. Do you want me to make you anything?”

“No thanks” Alex dropped Bernie's hand to open the fridge, retrieving a water filter and two cans of diet coke, “I'll make us something, thanks though.”

Steve nodded, “I’ll be in the garden once I’ve taken these upstairs” he told them, “but your Mum should be back soon if you need anything.”

“Okay” Alex smiled as she began rummaging through the cupboards for something she and Bernie could eat, “thanks Dad.” She waited until her dad had left before pulling a few tins from the cupboard, “beans on toast?” she offered, “or spaghetti hoops?”

Bernie chuckled, Alex's heart swelling at the sound, “Either's fine” she smiled.

“Okay” Alex dropped the beans back into the cupboard and opened another to retrieve a pan, “glasses are in there” she pointed to a glass fronted cabinet on the opposite wall, “do you want to pour us both some water and grab some plates?”

“Sure” Bernie smiled doing as Alex asked.

Alex opened the tin and emptied it into the pan, dropping four slices of bread into the toaster before hooking her index fingers into the belt loops of Bernie's jeans, pulling her closer and placing a gentle kiss on her lips. “Hi.”

“Hello” Bernie grinned as she leaned in to kiss Alex again, wary of a member of Alex's family walking in on them but unable to stop herself doing what she'd wanted to do for so long.

Alex kissed Bernie again, reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Bernie's ear, “is it too soon to tell you I love you?” she whispered, her eyes locked on the other woman's.

“Maybe” Bernie let her head fall onto Alex's shoulder, “I can't say it back” she mumbled into the crook of her neck before lifting her head to look at Alex again, “I, I care a lot about you, I really do and you, you mean so much to me Alex, but I can't… not yet.”

“Okay” Alex smiled, gently stroking Bernie's cheek with the back of her fingers, “you don't have to say it, I just wanted you to know.” She knew Bernie's upbringing had been vastly different to her own knew she hadn't been showered with the same affection she and her siblings had but that didn't bother her, there was no rush.”

“Me and you” Bernie told Alex, linking fingers with her, “I am serious about it, I'm not…”

“I know” Alex kissed Bernie again, “I know how you feel about me Bernie, you don't ever have to worry about that.”

"In that case" Bernie chuckled and stole another kiss, "I won't."

“Come on” Alex laughed, kissing Bernie again as the toast popped from the toaster, “you get the butter out, I’ll get the cutlery.”

“Al” Bernie said softly as Alex turned away, pulling her back gently and kissing her again, “thank you” she whispered as she let her forehead rest against Alex’s.

“Oh Bern” Alex lifted her hand to cup Bernie’s cheek and kissed her again, “you’ve got nothing to thank me for, nothing at all.”

The pair were watching a film together when Debbie arrived home, dirty plates discarded on the coffee table, Bernie tucked into Alex's side, the pair sharing occasional kisses as they watched the TV.

They both looked up at the click of the front door opening, Alex not loosening her hold on Bernie when she tried to shuffle away slightly, “do you need a hand Mum?” Alex asked.

“I'm okay love” she smiled, hands full of bags, “but why doesn't Bernie bring your dirty plates through for me?”

“Oh I'll…” Alex made to get up but was cut off by Debbie.

“I'm sure Bernie can manage” Debbie said softly before heading into the kitchen.

Alex frowned softly, “do you know what that's about?” she asked.

Bernie shook her head, trying to hide how worried she suddenly felt, “not a clue.”

“Oh” Alex frowned slightly and shrugged before kissing Bernie's temple, “you'd better go and find out then" she smiled as she passed the plates to Bernie.

“Yeah” Bernie whispered as she stood with the plates, “I suppose I had.”

As Bernie expected, Debbie was waiting for her in the kitchen and she quickly took the plates from Bernie and dropped them in the sink. “I wanted to talk to you about Alex” she said before seeing the fear on Bernie's face, “oh love” she reached out to gently rub her upper arm, “no need to look so worried, it's nothing bad.”

“What...what is it?” Bernie asked nervously.

“You've probably noticed by now that Alex doesn't do things by halves, if she's doing something, she throws herself in wholeheartedly, hobbies, studies, relationships, if she's in then she's all in.” Bernie nodded slightly, “you're both adults so I'm not going to stick my nose in, but Alex is still my baby and it kills me to see her hurting, so all I ask is that, whatever's going on between the two of you, if you ever need to let her down then you do it gently.”

Bernie nodded, “I… I really like her" she said, her voice little more than a whisper, “I don't want to mess this up. I don't want to hurt her.

“I'm sure you won't” Debbie squeezed Bernie's arm again, “just…” she bit her lip, “I know that in the grand scheme of things I don't really know you at all, but just try and be open with Alex, if anything worries you, scares you, talk to her, she'll understand. And if you don't feel like you can talk to Alex then you've got my number, you can call me any time you like.”

“Thank you” Bernie nodded.

Debbie shook her head, “you're family now Bernie, it's what families do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little bit different to the rest, I wanted to skip to the good stuff but I didn't just want to skip out a whole chunk of their relationship so I've tried to skim over everything to get to where I wanted to be!

6 months into their first year at uni, Bernie used some of her inheritance from her parents to buy a studio flat midway between the hospital and the university, deciding that sharing with other students wasn't working for her, being woken by other drunken students at 3am when she had to be up at 5 for her shift at the hospital, wasn't her idea of fun. 

“I'm going to miss living with you” Alex whispered when Bernie told her about the flat. 

Bernie frowned slightly and took Alex's hands in hers, “I was hoping you'd still be living with me” she said softly. 

Alex looked up, “you, you want me to live with you? In your flat?” 

“In our flat” Bernie corrected her. "It erm. It needs a lot of work doing to it and it's only small but, if you want to, we could do it up, make it ours?”

Bernie wasn't wrong, the studio flat did need a lot of work, the previous owner had been an elderly lady who'd been moved into a residential home after several falls. The kitchen area took up more than half the flat and her taste in decor, floral wallpaper, wooden panelling and dusky pink carpet was not at all to Bernie and Alex's taste so they ripped everything out and decided to start from scratch. 

It was a lot of work but somehow Bernie and Alex managed to fit in ‘DIY time’ around lectures, placements and exams, and Alex's parents were a great help, spending several weekends sleeping on a camp bed in the empty flat so they could help work on it, Steve doing a lot of the jobs Bernie had envisioned having to hire someone to do and so saving the young couple a small fortune. Not only did Steve do the work for them but he was happy to explain it to them both as he went along, allowing them to learn and help him with tasks they'd never even thought about doing themselves. 

Bernie and Alex slowly began to fall in love with the studio as it all came together, it was the perfect home for them, neither able to wait for the day they could move in and start living the rest of their life together. 

It was small but the flat quickly became home, a sanctuary for the two women who loved nothing more than coming home after a long shift and being able to curl up together in bed without a care in the world. 

The lack of space didn't bother them, they didn't mind living so closely and found themselves fitting together easier than anyone could ever have imagined. Both working round each other. Alex preferring to work neatly at the desk, Bernie choosing to be able to spread her work out across the bed. 

It all felt slightly surreal to Bernie, that she'd known Alex for such little time but she felt so comfortable around her, like they were made for each other. She lived for the little moments nobody else got to see. The way they'd wake in the morning, limbs entwined beneath the duvet sharing lazy kisses until they had to get up. Sharing their morning coffee and stealing bites of toast before finding themselves dancing together to the radio, both held in each others arms as they swayed along to the music. Bernie could have cried the night she'd come out of the shower to find Alex laid out on the sofa watching a film, Bernie telling her love it was okay when she made to sit up and settling herself on the floor instead, a decision she didn't regret when she felt Alex's fingers beginning to play with her damp hair. She'd never felt so loved as she did with Alex. 

The tiny flat soon became full of happy memories for the couple. Rainy days snuggled under their duvet on their sofa. The sound of Alex singing in the shower wafting through the thin walls of the apartment. It was in their bed that they spoke about their future, the place where Bernie admitted that she was nervous about taking their relationship further, that she was almost embarrassed that she'll was still a virgin at almost 21. But Alex had taken her hand, told Bernie that, whilst she'd had girlfriends in the past, none of her relationships had gone that far. They'd taken the step together just a few weeks later, fingertips exploring every inch, flushed bodies pressed close as Bernie's soft groans were swallowed by Alex's hungry kisses, Alex's cries muffled in the crook of Bernie's neck as they came within moments of each other. 

It was in their flat that Bernie first returned Alex's declaration of love. Alex telling Bernie she loved her as she headed out to her placement, Bernie waiting until she was almost out of the door before calling her back with an, “oh, Alex” waiting until the brunette turned to face her before telling her, “I love you.” It had taken Alex a moment to register Bernie's words before her face had broken into the biggest smile Bernie had ever seen, flying back into the flat, wrapping her arms around Bernie and kissing her fiercely as she told her, once again, that she loved her, that she was perfect, amazing. 

They'd almost finished their second year at uni when Bernie nervously told Alex that she was going to meet her siblings for lunch with the sole intention of telling them about her relationship with Alex. It had gone reasonably well, her brother had told her that as long as she was happy then it didn't matter who she was happy with. Her sister on the other hand wasn't so accepting, but she and Bernie had never been close, Sarah had already moved out to go to university when Bernie was born and moved in with the man who later became Bernie's brother in law as soon as she graduated. She hadn't reacted badly, just told Bernie that it was a big shock for her and she needed time to get her head around it. Three months later and Alex had held Bernie as she cried happy tears after an invite to the christening of Bernie's newest niece had fallen through their letterbox, both their names printed cleanly on the envelope. 

Both Bernie and Alex loved how quickly the small apartment began to feel like their sanctuary, a refuge from the rest of the world. When the door shut, it was just the two of them and together they could face anything. 

Bernie had always been one to keep things to herself, it was how she'd been raised, unlike Alex, she'd had parents who thought she should be seen but not heard. Nobody ever asked about her day, nobody ever asked how she was feeling so it felt strange to her that she'd quickly become used to opening up to Alex. 

Alex knew Bernie's childhood had been the complete opposite to hers, understood why she was how she was and she'd do anything to help her, which is why most of their ‘important’ conversations happened in bed, after they'd turned out the lights, when Bernie only had to focus on her words, didn't need to worry about eye contact or body language, and all Alex has to do was hold Bernie close and listen. 

It was in the darkness of the night that they spoke about their future together, they'd been curled together under the duvet when Alex announced that she wanted to join the RAMC with Bernie. She'd thought about it for a while, spoken about it with her parents who, whilst they weren't completely happy with the idea, had of course told Alex they'd support her through anything. 

There was nothing they didn't discuss and together they planned out the rest of their lives together. They'd join the army as soon as they finished at uni, and then, when Alex turned 30 they'd leave. They'd get married, they'd settle down, get jobs in the NHS and raise a family together. 

That was the plan. And it all worked out, at least for a while. They'd both finished uni, trained together whenever they had time and both been accepted into the RAMC, making the dream team they'd joked about when they'd very first met as they worked side by side in theatre, supporting each other mentally and physically through whatever army life had to throw at them.

They both loved their jobs, loved the adrenaline, the friends that quickly became family, both progressing through the ranks but still planning out their future together. And everything was going according to their plan. Until suddenly it wasn't anymore. 

It happened so quickly that neither of them could really understand it. Alex remembered being in the back of an armoured vehicle, joking with Bernie and a theatre nurse who'd been with them as they did something they'd done countless times in the three years since they'd first been deployed. Bernie didn't remember much at all but Alex remembered hearing a bang louder than anything she'd ever heard before and then everything had been a blur until the moment she realised they'd stopped moving, that the vehicle was on it's side and, amongst the ringing in her ears she could hear screaming and shouting. 

Her instinct was to check on Bernie, and that's when she felt the world crumble around her. The woman that she'd planned her entire life with was laying lifelessly beside her, blood pouring from a gash on her cheek and a wound on her head. 

The next few minutes passed in a blur, there was shouting and yelling and then all Alex remembered was the smell of diesel. Remembered having to make a split second decision, knowing there was a chance Bernie could have a spinal injury, but also knowing that they needed to get out before the vehicle went up in flames, she remembered hearing someone shouting instructions, yelling about getting Bernie out, remembers it taking a moment to recognise that the voice was her own. 

Somehow Bernie was the only one with any serious injuries, and, after checking the area was safe, she was laid on the gravel track so that she could be given the best medical attention possible until help arrived. 

Alex almost sobbed in relief when Bernie's eyes fluttered open, scanning her surroundings before settling her gaze on Alex. "Al" she mumbled breathlessly, reaching out a hand.

"I'm here darling.”Alex took Bernie's hand, holding it in her own as she told her, “I've got you."

"I just... You need to know that you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I, I love you."

"Stop it" Alex tried to hide the quiver in her voice, not worrying about the tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Stop what?" Bernie whispered.

"Stop talking like you're going to die."

“Al, I…” 

“No” Alex tried to swallow the lump she'd felt forming in her throat, “no. You're not going to die Bernie. You're not leaving me. Not like this.”

“I love you” Bernie murmured quietly, her grip on Alex's hand loosening as she slipped back into unconsciousness. 

Alex let go of Bernie's hand as backup arrived, stepping back to let the medics treat Bernie as she whispered, “I love you too.” 


	6. Chapter 6

The next 24 hours passed in a blur of scans and tests, minutes that stretched on for months and hours that passed in seconds, Bernie lost in a haze of painkillers as she tried desperately to hear what was being said to understand her injuries but she couldn’t seem to fight through the fog in her head to make sense of the words.

She managed to grab a few words, ‘aneurysm’ and mention of two of the vertebrae in her neck.  She was aware of the fact she was still immobilised on a spinal board and so managed to assume she had a spinal injury. She’d mentioned a slight numbness in her legs but nobody seemed too worried by that so Bernie wasn’t sure if it was because of her injury or because of the drugs pumping through her veins.

“Birmingham” was mentioned a lot too, and Bernie knew what that meant, she was being sent home. She knew how this worked, she was going to be flown back to the UK to be treated at the military wing of the Queen Elizabeth hospital, presumably because her injuries needed the expertise of a specialist they didn’t have on the base. It was then she knew, even without understanding the full extent of her injuries, Bernie knew her career in the military was over.

She’d spent most of the flight back to the UK asleep, aided by both painkillers and a sedative, intended to keep her relaxed and comfortable for the journey but the sedative began to wear off during the ambulance journey from the base to the hospital, leaving Bernie lucid enough to enquire about her injuries for the first time since the accident. Closing her eyes shut to keep her tears at bay as she was told of her two fractured vertebrae and her pseudoaneurysm, being told, even though she already knew, that they'd be operating as soon as possible after she arrived at the hospital. 

Bernie had insisted that Alex stayed, that she finished the few weeks she had left on tour, so she shouldn't have been surprised when, less than half an hour after she was stretchered into the hospital, she was told her 'parents' were here and Debbie and Steve walked into her room.

"Alex called us" Debbie's admission didn't surprise Bernie, neither did the fact the woman took hold of her hand, sounded almost on the verge of tears, frantic with worry about the woman she thought of as nothing less than her daughter, "she didn't want you to be on your own."

Bernie squeezed Debbie's hand, tears pricking once again at her eyes as she stared up at the ceiling, "thank you."

Debbie and Steve sat chatting to Bernie for a while before Debbie excused herself to use the bathroom, "Steve" Bernie's tongue darted out to moisten her dry lips, "can I ask you something?"

The man stood, moving so he was in Bernie's eye line, "of course, what is it?"

Bernie's hands shook slightly and she wished she was able to get up and pace nervously. Alex and I, we had a plan, for settling down, for having a family but I... this... It's made me realise that I don't want to wait. If I make it through the surgery, would you, I mean, I'd like to ask her to marry me if you'd let me."

Steve couldn't hold back his smile as he took Bernie's shaking hand in his own,"when you make it out of surgery" he corrected her, nobody wanting to believe that she wouldn't, "you absolutely have my blessing to propose, Debbie's too. We can both see how happy you make her and all we've ever wanted is for our children to be happy."

Bernie closed her eyes for a moment and tried to compose herself, "if I don't... If I don't make it though" Bernie whispered, "will you tell her I love her and make sure... Make sure she moves on, that she finds someone else. That she’s happy."

Steve squeezed Bernie's hand again as he tried to compose himself. "Alex knows you love her" he told her softly, “we can all see how much you love her every time we see you together, and you, you're fit, you're strong and you've got some of the best surgeons in the country preparing to put you back together again, you're going to come through this, and in a few weeks, you're going to come with us to meet Alex at the base when she comes home for her R&R, and you're going to be able to tell her yourself just how much you love her." He couldn't bring himself to think of the alternative. In his mind, there was only one phone call he was going to make to his daughter, and that was to tell her that Bernie was out of surgery and in recovery, there was absolutely no way he was even going to think about having to call her to say Bernie hadn't made it.

The pair sat with Bernie until she was taken down to theatre, "Joey called earlier" Debbie said as she sat on one of the chairs in the corridor, leg bouncing nervously against the hard plastic "wanted to know how Bernie was. I told her we'd let her know as soon as we knew anything."

Steve nodded as he took hold of Debbie’s shaking hand, "the boys are waiting to hear too, but they know we'll call Alex first, I don't think they expect anything else."

Debbie nodded before looking up at her husband. "There's something you're not telling me" she frowned.

Steve sighed, dropping Debbie’s hand and letting his head fall into his hands, feeling his wife place her hand on his back as he tried to compose himself, "Earlier, Bernie was talking to me about if she doesn’t pull through."

"What!"

"When you went to the loo” he whispered, “she told me what she wants me to tell Alex if she doesn't make it out of surgery."

Debbie sighed, "she's tough, and she's got good surgeons working on her, that's what we need to focus on."

Steve nodded, "that's what I told her, but erm, she asked if she could have my permission to propose to Alex if she did make it."

“You said yes didn’t you?” Debbie asked.

“Of course I did” Steve nodded, “I told her she’d have your blessing too.”

“Good” Debbie nodded, taking Steve’s hand in her own as she sat back in the uncomfortable chair to wait until there was an update on Bernie’s condition.

Alex had been given leave from her duties, had been given special permission to be in a private office to await the phone call from her father, she was so lost in her thoughts, so busy watching the clock, wondering how long Bernie had been in theatre for, if there had been any complications, that the ringing of her phone startled her somewhat but she quickly answered the video call. "Dad" Steve could hear the worry in Alex's voice, could tell how exhausted she was and he didn't say a word, simply turned the phone so Alex could see Bernie, half sat up in the bed, a weary smile on her face.

"Hello you" she whispered, her voice huskier than usual, probably due to being intubated during her surgery Alex told herself.

"Bern" Alex was surprised to find tears rolling down her cheeks at the sight of Bernie laid in the hospital bed, hair matted and unwashed, face pale and an oxygen tube under her nose, but still very much alive.

"I made it" Bernie told her, sounding slightly breathless, still groggy from the anaesthetic and the painkillers but desperate to fight sleep and reassure Alex she was okay.

"I'm so glad you did" Alex whispered.

Bernie's eyes fluttered closed for a moment before she forced them open again, "you can stop worrying about me now."

"Oh Bern" Alex whispered, "I'll always worry about you. Are Mum and Dad looking after you?"

"Yeah" Bernie's eyes closed again, "your Mum's gone to call Joey and the boys too" she smiled.

Alex could see how tired Bernie was, knew she'd probably still be feeling the effects of the anaesthetic, that she'd probably be on quite a lot of pain relief too, "you get some rest Bern, I'll call you tomorrow and see how you're doing yeah?"

Bernie nodded slightly against the pillows, cautious of the stitches in her neck and Alex thought she'd dozed off until she heard a quiet murmur, "love you Al."

Alex smiled, couldn't help herself, "I love you too Bern."

Steve smiled as he ended the call, “before you fall asleep” he said softly, “do you want us to call your brother and sister?” 

Bernie closed her eyes as she thought and Steve briefly thought she'd fallen asleep, but she forced her eyes open long enough to tell him, “you probably should tell them, if you don't mind.” 

“Of course not, are their numbers in your phone?”

“Yeah” Bernie mumbled as she began to drift back off to sleep, “but tell them I'm okay. They don't need to come and visit or anything.” 

“Okay” Steve pulled the covers straight around Bernie, making sure she was comfortable, “you do as Alex says and get some rest, we want you fit enough to be able to get down on one knee when she gets home.” 

Bernie smiled sleepily, “I love her so much.” 

“We know” Steve smiled as he picked up both his phone and Bernie's so he could call her siblings, “and Alex loves you just as much.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**** Steve had to go home to go back to work a few days after Bernie’s operation, once he knew she was okay, but Bernie was surprised when Debbie stayed, the woman telling Bernie she’d be there as long as Bernie needed her.

She wasn’t wrong, she was by Bernie’s side almost constantly, only leaving each night to get some sleep in the hotel room she and Steve had booked, not far from the hospital.  She sat with Bernie through numerous tests and examinations, encouraged her in her physical therapy and was a great help in sorting out things for Bernie’s eventual discharge home.

Bernie frowned slightly as she looked through some papers regarding her outpatient appointments after she was discharged. “These are in Leeds” she frowned slightly as she looked at the appointment list.

Debbie looked at her, “do you really think we’d let you go back to Holby and struggle along on your own?” she asked, “you can come home with us, either until you’re back on your feet, until Alex comes home, or until you’re sick of us” she told her.

“Are you sure?” Bernie asked, she knew she wasn’t back to full strength, that she couldn’t walk far without tiring or having to rely on a wheelchair, and, if she was honest, she had been a bit worried about going back to the studio flat in Holby on her own.

“Of course I’m sure” Debbie reassured her, “you’re family Bernie, we’re not just going to let you struggle on on your own, you’re welcome in our house any time.”

Bernie didn’t know how she’d ever thank Debbie and Steve enough, Steve took the day off work to drive down to Birmingham on the day she was discharged so she and Debbie wouldn’t have to get the train back to Leeds, and, despite the numerous follow up appointments Bernie had to attend, neither of them seemed bothered, just took her where she needed to be without complaint.

“Bernie” Debbie dropped the laundry she'd been carrying upstairs when she found the blonde bent almost double, gripping tightly to the banister at the top of the stairs, “what's wrong?” Bernie bit her lip and shook her head, barely able to hold back her tears when she felt a gentle hand rub circles on the bottom of her back, “come on Love, you can't kid me that you're fine.” 

“It was a different physio today” Bernie whispered, Debbie having taken her to her appointment that morning, “he kept pushing me and it, everything hurts” she whispered, “I can't get comfortable laying down, standing… I've only walked from the bedroom and I want to be sick it hurts so much” tears were running freely down Bernie's face, the only person she'd ever opened up to like this was Alex, but she felt so comfortable around Debbie and couldn't keep her walls up any longer. 

“Oh love” Debbie continued stroking Bernie's back, “I take it you've had your painkillers?” 

Bernie nodded, not letting on that she'd taken more than the prescribed dose, “as soon as we got in, I can't take any more for nearly three hours.” 

Debbie thought for a minute, “come with me” she said softly, leaving the laundry abandoned on the floor, arm around Bernie's waist as she slowly led her into the master bedroom. 

Bernie frowned, “what…” she'd only been in the master bedroom once with Alex, the pair of them using the ensuite bathroom to shower quickly before going out when the twins were hogging the bathroom. 

“Lay down” Debbie gestured to the bed, “on your stomach or your side if you can. I'll get you some more pillows and be back in a minute.” 

Bernie frowned but didn't argue, waiting until Debbie had left the room before trying to make herself comfortable, failing to hold back a quiet cry of pain as she slowly lowered herself onto the mattress. 

She settled on laying on her stomach, one pillow under her hips, raising them slightly from the plush mattress, another under her ankles, allowing her knees to bend slightly as she placed her arms above her head, trying to breathe through the spasm of pain in her back. 

Debbie's heart broke as she heard Bernie's shaky breath as she returned to the room, wishing she could do more to help the woman she considered her daughter. “Do you need any more pillows?” she asked softly, “or are you okay?”

“I'm okay” Bernie mumbled from where she laid face down in the pillows. 

“Okay” Debbie sat down on the bed, the expensive memory foam meaning Bernie didn't even feel the movement, something she was grateful for, “can I lift your top up?” 

“Yeah” Bernie whispered, not daring to nod incase it jolted her back. She didn't know what Debbie was going to do but she was willing to try anything to try and stop the pain. 

Debbie was gentle as she lifted the hem of Bernie's top to expose her back, folding down the waistband of her shorts too, “I'd suggest a warm bath” she said softly, “but I think you'd struggle to get in and out right now, and you probably won't want me helping you, so hopefully this will have the same effect.” 

Bernie gasped as a warm wheat bag was placed on her back, her muscles briefly tensing at the sudden change of temperature before beginning to relax slightly as the heat radiated through her tense muscles. 

“Is that okay?” Debbie asked, gently rubbing her hand over the exposed skin of Bernie's back, the blonde's face buried in a pillow meaning Debbie couldn't gauge her reaction.”

“Yeah” Bernie whispered, “feels nice.” 

Debbie didn't say anything but she knew Bernie was crying again, and she continued to rub circles on her back, hoping the blonde would find it soothing. “If you're not comfortable, if you need to move then tell me yeah?” she said softly, “we can do whatever you feel you need to be comfy.” 

Bernie screwed her eyes shut, the action not helping as a sob escaped her lips. She felt so helpless, Debbie's use of the word ‘we’ breaking down the last of Bernie's walls, the woman reminding her that she wasn't alone anymore, that she had a family now. 

Debbie continued rubbing circles on her back to try and soothe her, Bernie had been so strong since the accident, Debbie didn't know how she'd done it. She'd had open heart surgery and a severe spinal injury that could have paralysed her, but as always, Bernie had kept her stiff upper lip, not let anyone see how scared she really was. 

The bones she'd broken had been in her neck, however she'd suffered severe bruising to the lower part of her spinal cord, an injury that had gone unnoticed until she was back in the UK, the army medics more focused on the injuries to her neck and heart, the symptoms caused by the bruising to her spinal cord, wrongly assumed to be as a result of her fractured vertebrae. 

She'd been terrified. More scared of paralysis than death, hoping that surgery meant she'd regain the loss of feeling in her legs, something she'd not mentioned to Debbie and Steve until afterwards, until the pressure had been released from her spinal cord and she cried in relief when she felt the neurologist run the lid of her pen along the sole of her foot. But now, now she was home, she could walk, albeit clumsily and at times painfully, she was with her family and she didn't have to suffer alone anymore. 

“I know you don't find it as easy to open up as we do” Debbie said softly, “but I hope you know that I love you Bernie, just as much as I love Alex, Joey and the boys, and I hope you know that means that I'm here, whether you want to offload about something or if you just want a shoulder to cry on, I'm always here, and I'm not going to go running to Alex or even mention it to Steve, unless you ask otherwise, whatever you tell me will stay between us.”

Bernie slowly lifted her head, tears still rolling down her cheeks as she looked at Debbie, “I…” 

“Oh love” Debbie brushed Bernie's hair from her face and swiped at her tears with her thumb, “you're okay, nobody's going to judge you if you need to have a good cry, not in this house.” 

“I don't know how I can ever repay you for everything you've done"she whispered, slowly lowering her head back to the mattress, only this time she was still looking towards Debbie. 

Debbie sighed and moved to lay down beside Bernie, once again brushing her hair from her face, letting her hand gently cup Bernie's cheek as she told her, “Steve and I, we didn't decide to let you stay here, didn't decide to help you with your recovery so that one day you'd repay us. We didn't even make a conscious decision, it was just a given that when you were discharged you'd come home. To us, you're our daughter Bernie, you've been part of our family for nearly 10 years, I think we can safely say you're more than just Alex's latest girlfriend. When you were in surgery Joey and the boys kept ringing us, messaging us to see if there were any updates, to see if you were okay because they love you Bernie, they love you just as much as we do and the thought of losing you terrified us all and we're all so, so relieved that you're still here with us. We don't ever, ever expect you to repay us for loving you Bernie.”

Bernie said nothing but carefully shuffled closer to Debbie, the woman taking the hint and wrapping her arm around Bernie, Bernie nuzzling into Debbie, her tears wet against the older woman's neck, “I'm sorry” she mumbled.

Debbie reached for the heat pack that had fallen from Bernie's back when she moved, gently placing it back against her skin, “you don't need to apologise love” she said softly, running her fingers through Bernie's hair, the repetitive motion helping to relax the blonde as Debbie asked, “are you comfortable like this?” 

Bernie nodded slightly, “as comfy as I think I'll get… Is this okay?”

“If you're comfortable then it's absolutely fine” Debbie reassured her, earning another nod from the blonde. Bernie was still uncomfortable, still in a lot of pain but the heat pack had worked slightly, her painkillers felt like they were finally starting to kick in, and there was something innately comforting and calming about Debbie’ presence and she couldn’t stop herself slowly drifting off to sleep.  “You get some rest love” Debbie whispered as she felt Bernie’s body relax against hers, “I’m not going anywhere.”


	8. Chapter 8

“No Bernie?” Steve asked as he walked through to the kitchen when he got home from work.

“She's asleep” Debbie wiped her hand on a tea towel and turned to face him, “in our bed.”

“Ah, one of those days?” he understood instantly, “it's been a long time since that happened” he mused.

It had been a house rule when their kids had been growing up, if the master bedroom door was open then the children were allowed inside, and curling up on Mum and Dad's bed quickly became a way for the kids to tell Debbie and Steve that they weren't okay and they needed some time alone with one of their parents to talk through whatever was on their mind.

“She had a different physio today” Debbie told her husband, not wanting to betray Bernie's confidence, “I think it wiped her out and we've got a better mattress than her and Alex, I thought it might be easier on her back.”

Steve nodded in agreement, “we'll take her out at the weekend if she feels up to it” he decided, “get her to try a few mattresses out and get something that works for her.”

“I'll let you tell her that” Debbie chuckled, “because you know she won't like us spending any money on her.”

Steve shrugged, “I'm surprised she's not used to it by now.”

When she was first discharged from hospital, Bernie had felt a little awkward in the house that wasn't her home, a house that she'd never visited without Alex before but it didn't take long at all for her to begin to feel like she was at home.

She was surprised to find that, not only did Alex's parents treat her the way she'd wanted her own parents to treat her, but that Alex's siblings were just as happy to have her there as Debbie and Steve were.

“Bernie” Sam, the older of Alex’s twin brothers, grinned as he saw her laid on the sofa one afternoon, “this is Tanya” he gestured to the girl that had followed him into the house, “Tan this is Bernie, my sister's Mrs, but she got blown up so she's living here til Al gets back from Iraq.”

Bernie smiled and held out her hand, not standing as her back was still sore, “nice to meet you.”

“Yeah” the girl didn't shake the offered hand, “same.”

Sam rolled his eyes, “have you seen Mum?”

Bernie nodded, “she's in the garden hanging out some washing.”

“Okay” he smiled, “I'm going to stick the kettle on, want anything?”

“No thanks, I'm okay” she smiled, watching as Sam gestured for Tanya to sit down as he went to make a drink.

“So” Bernie decided to try and make conversation as they waited for Sam to come back, “how did you and Sam meet?”

“Uni” Bernie could almost hear the eye roll that accompanied the simple answer, as if it should have been obvious that’s where the two of them met.

“Right then” Bernie rolled her own eyes before picking up the book she’d been reading before Sam arrived, it was obvious that Tanya didn’t want to make small talk, so, in Bernie’s mind there was no point even trying.

Luckily Sam came back only a few minutes later with three mugs in his hand, “Mum’ll be in in a minute” he spoke more to Bernie than his girlfriend, “she said to ask if you’ve had your painkillers.”

Bernie chuckled, she was sure Debbie set an alarm for her medication, “about half an hour ago, trust me, I’d probably be doubled over in pain if I hadn’t.”

“In that case I’m glad you have” Sam smiled as he sat beside Tanya and picked up his mug.

Sam and Bernie made casual conversation for a few minutes before Debbie joined them, sitting on the sofa beside Bernie and gently squeezed her knee, “alright love?” she asked. Bernie nodded, chuckling slightly when Debbie asked, “have you…”

“I’ve asked her Mum” Sam cut in, “she has, it’s fine, stop worrying.”

“Can’t do that I’m afraid” Debbie gestured to the mug on the coffee table and asked if it was hers, picking it up when Sam nodded, “it’s part of the job description, Mum, worry about your kids as long as you live.”

“But Bernie isn’t yours?” Tanya frowned.

“No” Debbie squeezed Bernie’s knee again, “not biologically, but she’s been part of our family for so long that she might as well be.”

Bernie smiled and shuffled slightly on the sofa, thanking Debbie as, without asking, she was handed another cushion, folding it in half and slipping it behind the small of her back, smiling as she felt Debbie gently squeeze her knee.

“Is anybody hungry?” Debbie asked, offering to make sandwiches when both Sam and Bernie said they were, “what about you love?” she asked Tanya, “do you want anything?”

“I'm vegan” she said bluntly, Sam rolling his eyes at his mother.

“Okay” the response didn't bother Debbie like it was obviously meant to. “What about beans on toast then?”

Tanya seemed shocked by the woman's quick thinking and nodded, reluctantly mumbling, “thanks” as Debbie collected up the empty mugs.

“Are you two going to be staying for tea?” she asked Sam and Tanya, “I'm doing a bolognese but if you're stopping I'll get Steve to pick some vegan mince up on his way home” she smiled.

“Yeah” Sam nodded, not consulting his girlfriend, “that'd be great, thanks Mum.”

Conversation turned to Alex after lunch, Sam had asked a couple of questions about Bernie's time in the military, Bernie didn't mind answering them, and talk about her and Alex's roles in the RAMC had somehow turned into Sam and Debbie sharing memories from when Alex was younger.

Bernie didn't think she'd ever tire of it, Debbie had already shown her the family photo album much to Alex's embarrassment, but Bernie loved hearing tales from before she met the woman she loved.

Debbie was telling a story about how Alex pretended to be ill one morning to avoid a spelling test at school, chuckling as she remembered the “chicken pops” that her daughter had drawn on her skin with a red felt tip, when it hit Bernie. The familiar ache in her chest, the reminder that there was an entire continent between her and Alex, recent events a sharp reminder that Alex's safe return was never guaranteed.

She waited until Debbie had finished the story she was telling before excusing herself, slowly and carefully pushing herself from the sofa and picking up her glass, “I'm just going to get another glass of water” she said as she slowly walked from the kitchen, her body a bit stiff from being sat for so long.

“She's getting better” Sam smiled as he watched Bernie leave the room, able to see how much she'd improved since she left the hospital.

“She is” Debbie smiled, “but she's tough, she wasn't going to let anything stop her getting back on her feet.”

Debbie and Sam spoke for a while, Tanya never joining in the conversation, the young woman barely having said two words since she arrived, instead just choosing to sit on the sofa with her arms folded and a frown on her face. “I'm just going to see if Bernie's okay” Debbie told her son when she noticed how long she'd been gone.

“Okay” Sam smiled, “shout if you need anything.”

“Bernie?” Debbie frowned as she walked into the kitchen, placing the plates from lunch on the side. Bernie reached up, wiping away her tears but it was too late, Debbie had already seen them, “what's wrong Love?”

“Nothing” Bernie wiped at her eyes again, “nothing, I'm just being silly.”

“You wouldn't be this upset if it was nothing” Debbie gently squeezed Bernie's arm, “what is it.”

“I just miss Alex” Bernie whispered, her eyes filling with tears again.

“Oh love” Bernie found herself being pulled into Debbie's arms, “that's okay, it's not silly at all to miss her, not when you've been with her practically every day for the last 10 years.”

“I wish she was here.”

"I know you do love.” Debbie's heart broke for Bernie, holding her close and gently rubbing her back to try and comfort her. “Three weeks” she whispered, “three weeks and she's home.”

“I know” Bernie whispered against Debbie's shoulder, “but then she's going to be going again and I won't be going with her this time.”

“Oh Love” Debbie tightened her hold on Bernie, “just think of those plans you've made, think of the wedding, of those beautiful grandbabies you're going to give me, all those things you and Alex want to do, they'll be happening before you know it.”

“Will you… I mean, I'd like to buy a ring for Alex, an engagement ring, for when she's home. Will you help me choose something?”

“Oh Bernie” Debbie kissed her temple, “I would be honoured.”


	9. Chapter 9

Debbie stood holding Bernie until she calmed before kissing her forehead again, “I’m going to make a cuppa” she told her, “do you want one?”

Bernie shook her head, “no, I’m okay thanks, I erm, I think I’m going to go and sit down again.”

“Okay” Debbie nodded, “are you okay?”

“Yeah” Bernie tried to reassure her, “just a bit achy.”

“Okay, tell me if it gets any worse though?”

“Of course” Bernie promised as she slowly made her way back into the living room.  “Where’s Sam gone?” she asked as she saw Tanya was alone in the living room.

“Toilet” she answered bluntly.

“Okay, Debbie’s making tea, do you want anything?” Bernie just got a raised eyebrow in response and had to resist rolling her eyes, and instead walked around the coffee table to pick up her empty glass so she could get some more water.

Bernie picked up the empty glass before turning back towards the kitchen, taking just a few steps before screaming as she felt her foot catch on something and she fell to the floor, the glass slipping from her hands and shattering against the carpet.

Sam had been on his way back downstairs, and vaulted over the banister, skipping the last four steps when he heard Bernie’s scream, falling to his knees by her side just seconds before Debbie raced through from the kitchen. “Bernie” she gasped when she saw the woman laid out, face down on the floor, “are you okay?”

“What happened?” Sam turned to look at Tanya who’d not moved an inch, still sat on the sofa.

She shrugged, “she fell.”

“Do you think you can get up?” Debbie asked, slightly concerned by the small amount of blood she could see on the carpet and the fact Bernie had barely moved.

“I don’t know” Bernie whispered, not wanting to move, the pain in her back the worst it had been in a long time.

“Do you need us to ring an ambulance?”

“An ambulance?” Tanya frowned, “she only tripped over.”

Sam looked up at Tanya and frowned, “it wasn’t that long ago that she had surgery because she’d broken her neck!” he told her, “she’s still recovering from that” he said before turning his attention back to Bernie, “I could lift you onto the sofa if you think that would help?”

“I don’t know” Bernie whispered, truth be told, she didn’t know how she was going to get up off the floor, she couldn’t imagine moving.

“Do you think you could kneel up?” Debbie asked, “and then we could help you to your feet?”

“Or we could roll you onto your back and then try and get you sat up?” Sam suggested.

“Okay” Bernie whispered, “I’ll try and sit up.”

She let out a pained cry as she rolled onto her back, taking a minute to catch her breath before both Debbie and Sam both helped her into a sitting position.  “How’s that?” Debbie asked, gently rubbing circles on Bernie’s back.

“Sore” Bernie sighed, before nodding reluctantly as Sam offered to lift her onto the sofa, Sam standing before easily lifting Bernie into his arms, one hand around her back, the other under her knees.

“Okay?” he asked as he gently lowered her to the sofa.

Bernie nodded before looking up at Debbie, “I erm… there are some of the stronger painkillers from after my op in the drawer by Al’s bed” even though she’d spent several weeks in the Dawson house, she still thought of the room as Alex’s, “I don’t suppose you’d…”

“Of course” Debbie nodded “Sam will get you a glass of water” she looked at her son who nodded in agreement.

“Oh” Bernie gasped, “your glass, I…”

“Don’t worry about it” Debbie reassured her, “Sam can clean that up too, and I’ll get something to sort your arm out” she said as she noticed the gash on Bernie’s arm, the source of the blood she’d seen earlier, presumably from where Bernie had fallen onto the broken glass, “you’re still in one piece and that’s the most important thing, we can replace a glass, we can’t replace you!”

Bernie took the painkillers when Debbie came back with them, apologising to Sam as passed her a glass or water before getting out the hoover to make sure all the shards of glass had been removed from the carpet. Both Debbie and Sam telling her she had nothing to apologise for. 

Bernie bit her lip as she leant back against the sofa, closing her eyes as she desperately trying to relax her spasming muscles, not seeing the looks Tanya was giving her as she tried not to sob from the pain. "I think I'm going to go to bed" she said quietly as the room started to spin, one of the unwanted side effects from the painkillers that meant she'd stopped taking them as soon as she could after her discharge from hospital. 

Debbie frowned, "are you okay?" 

"Not really" Bernie knew there was no point lying to the other woman. "My back's still really painful" she admitted, "and these are the meds that make me feel drowsy and nauseous so I think I'm just going to try and sleep it off for a while." 

Debbie nodded, "will you be okay getting up the stairs?" 

Bernie sighed, that was the reason she wasn't already in bed, "I don't know" she said honestly. 

Sam was quick to stand to his feet, "come on" he made his way across the living room to help Bernie to her feet, "I'll help you up, and if you can't manage it I can carry you up." 

Bernie insisted on 'walking' up the stairs with Sam's help, Sam not commenting on just how much of Bernie's weight he was supporting as he helped her slowly climb the stairs and stumble into bed. 

She thanked Sam as he put down her glass of water and made sure her phone was within reach, "call me or Mum if you need anything at all" he told her before asking if she needed anything else, leaving her to try and get some rest when she told him she was okay. 

Bernie waited for the door to click shut before awkwardly slipping out of her jeans, kicking them onto the floor, not sure she'd be able to bend to pick them up. She sat cautiously on the edge of Alex's bed, grateful that Steve hadn't taken no for an answer, that he'd all but forced her into choosing a new mattress, and opened the drawer in the bedside cabinet. She sighed quietly as she pulled out the sleeping tablets she'd been prescribed when she left hospital, medication she'd never taken, but today was different. Today she popped one of the pills from the packaging and swallowed it with a mouthful of water before doing her best to make herself comfortable and waiting for sleep to take over. 

"Is she okay?" Debbie asked as Sam came back downstairs. 

"She's in bed" he told her, "I've made sure her phone's on her bedside table and told her to ring one of us if she needs anything." he told Debbie before looking at Tanya when she stood from the sofa. 

"Smoke" she told him, not waiting for a response before she headed outside with her cigarettes. 

"I need to call your Dad" Debbie sighed, "we were meant to be going out for dinner with some of his colleagues but I can't leave Bernie on her own, not now." 

"You go out Mum" Sam knew his parents hadn't had a night out since before Bernie was injured, the two of them too worried about Bernie to even consider going out and enjoying themselves, "I'll stay here in case Bernie needs anything." 

"Are you sure?" Debbie asked. 

"Of course I am" Sam nodded. 

"I'll call your Dad" Debbie picked up her phone, "let him know I don't want to be out too late."

"Don't worry about it" Sam told her, "I'm not in til lunchtime tomorrow, I can crash here tonight." 

"What about Tanya?" 

Sam shrugged, "she can stay here too or she can go home, it's one night, Bernie's family, if she needs me to stay here tonight then that's what I'll do." 

Debbie stood and squeezed Sam's shoulder, "you're a good boy Sam" she told him before making her way into the kitchen to ring Steve. 

“I think I'm going to stay with Bernie tonight” Sam told Tanya when she came back in, “Mum's worried about her and she's had this night out with Dad planned for ages.”

“I don't get what all the fuss is” Tanya frowned, “Bernie fell over, she's fine. She's an adult, she can take care of herself.” 

“She was blown up" Sam frowned, "she broke her neck” he told Tanya, “she had two fractured vertebrae and bruising to her spinal cord and she had to have open heart surgery, we thought we might lose her.”

“What's with all the ‘we’?” Tanya frowned, “you make it sound like she's your partner.” 

“She's been with Alex for nearly 10 years” Sam shrugged, “she's part of the family, practically my sister.”

“Are you seeing her?” 

“What?!” the question came out of the blue, completely surprising Sam.

“You and her, is something going on?” 

“She's a lesbian Tan. She's head over heels in love with my sister. She is my sister. She's my sister and she's in pain so tonight I'm going to stay with her in case she needs anything, so Mum and Dad can go out. I don't know what your family are like but we look out for each other.”

“She isn't your family though is she, not really? Don't you think it's a bit weird that she's living here when your sister isn't here?” 

“She's been with Alex for 9 years, Al was 18 when she met Bernie, she's family. And Alex is in Iraq, Bernie's own parents passed away before Bernie and Alex had met. Bernie was blown up. Literally blown up by a bomb. What did you expect us to do? Just leave her in hospital until Alex came home? Stick her in a taxi to her flat in Holby and wish her luck? Because if that's how you'd treat your family then I'd hate to be your enemy. Now, I'm going to stay here tonight. You can either accept that and have a takeaway and watch films with us, or you can go home and not bother coming back.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little shorter than usual but it's getting me where I need to be for future chapters!

Everyone was relieved when, just a few days after her fall, Bernie had regained all of her mobility and her pain levels were back down to the level she was used to dealing with on a daily basis. Bernie mentioned the accident to her physiotherapist who told her to take it easy with her exercises until she felt able to resume her usual routine, but luckily there didn't seem to be any lasting damage.

Almost before Bernie knew it, it was time for Alex's R&R, Debbie and Steve once again showing Bernie just how much they cared about her when they told her they'd be leaving a day early, driving halfway and then spending the night in a hotel so that Bernie wouldn't have to spend so long cooped up in the car. They offered to do the same on the return journey but Bernie had turned down their kind offer, stating that Alex would probably want to get home, and as long as she had time to stretch her legs a little before the drive back, she should be okay.

She didn't sleep in the hotel, instead spent the night tossing and turning and watching an endless amount of infomercials on the TV, her stomach in knots at the thought of seeing Alex for the first time since the IED had literally blown them apart.

Bernie couldn't help but smile as she spotted Alex amongst the ranks, nervous energy bubbling in her stomach as the final few minutes of their separation seemed to drag on longer than the previous few months.

Alex frowned slightly when she was finally dismissed, turning to see Bernie sat in a wheelchair beside her parents, she hadn't mentioned anything about not being able to walk.

Almost as if she read Alex's mind, Bernie, with Steve's help, pushed herself to her feet, thanking Debbie as she was passed a walking stick, slowly walking towards Alex, "I'm okay" she told her once they were face to face.

Alex couldn't stop herself, she reached out, gently placing her hand on Bernie's cheek, stroking her skin gently with her thumb, "the chair..."

"I'm fine" Bernie tried to reassure her, "I just get tired if I stand for too long, and I'm still having physio, this is just a precaution, in case I lose my balance" she gestured to the stick, "honestly Alex, I'm doing okay."

"I'm so glad to see you" Alex said softly.

Bernie smiled, "that feeling is entirely mutual."

Alex walked with Bernie back over to her parents, relieved to see that, although slower than usual, Bernie didn't seem to be having any trouble walking. She greeted her parents and followed them out to the car, smiling softly as her dad helped Bernie into the back seat.

She slipped in beside her, smiling happily as Bernie shuffled over to kiss her gently. "I've missed you" Bernie whispered.

Alex linked her fingers with Bernie's, "I've missed you too."

Debbie and Steve gave Bernie and Alex a few minutes privacy before they got in the car, neither able to hold back their smiles when they saw the two women curled together, hand in hand in the back seat.

The pair fell asleep on the drive back to Alex's childhood home, Alex not at all surprised that her parents had insisted that Bernie came to live with them while she recovered, it was a longstanding joke between the four Dawson 'children' that their parents might say that they didn't have favourites, but Bernie was definitely their favourite.

Debbie woke them both once they were home, sending them upstairs without another word. She'd missed her daughter, of course she had but she knew Alex would want to spend time with Bernie, knew she'd get to speak to Alex later, so she told them both to get some rest. Promised there would be food for them both once they woke.

Alex stripped down to her underwear once her bedroom door was closed, Bernie kicking off her jeans and shirt but leaving her vest top on over her underwear. "Bern" Alex frowned, the blonde usually the one to prefer skin contact.

Bernie shook her head, "can we just..." she gestured to the bed.

Alex smiled sadly, rightly assuming that Bernie was conscious about her scar. "Of course" she nodded as she pulled back the duvet, frowning as she laid down on the bed, "is this a new mattress?" she asked as she settled down.

"Yeah" Bernie let out a content sigh as she settled down in Alex's arms, "your parents insisted after I fell asleep in their bed one day, things…" she bit her lip, "I wasn't doing great and your mum laid down with me for a while."

Alex smiled and nodded before gently kissing Bernie again, "she loves you you know."

Bernie nodded before asking, "is it okay, the mattress?"

"Yeah" Alex smiled, "it's comfy, but you know me, I'll sleep anywhere."

"They keep trying to talk me into getting us a double bed" Bernie bit her lip, "but I sort of like this."

"Me too" Alex admitted as she pulled Bernie closer, "it reminds me of that first night in halls."

"Me too" Bernie smiled softly before apologising as she let out a quiet yawn.

"Get some rest" Alex said softly, brushing Bernie's hair from her face, "I'll still be here when you wake up.

"Promise?"

"I promise" Alex nodded, letting Bernie curl further into her arms as they both drifted off to sleep.

Alex was the first to wake, Bernie still sleeping in her arms, blonde hair splayed over Alex's shoulder, Bernie's breath warm against Alex's neck. She placed a gentle kiss to Bernie's forehead, carefully beginning to  play with her hair.

"Oh" Alex smiled, not realising Bernie had woken until she felt the kisses Bernie placed against her neck, "hello."

"Hi" Bernie mumbled against Alex's neck, "missed you."

Alex groaned softly, fingers tangling in Bernie's hair, "missed you too."

They laid together, sharing soft kisses, hands roaming over soft skin as the pair became reacquainted after a separation that seemed far too long.

"Do you remember the first night we met?" Bernie asked softly.

"Yeah" Alex smiled, brushing Bernie's hair back from her face, "we ended up pretty much like this didn't we?"

"Yeah" Bernie smiled, "I remember just looking at you, I couldn't believe how beautiful you were."

"Oh Darling" Alex kissed Bernie again, "I've got nothing on you my love."

Bernie nuzzled her face against Alex's neck, her fingers still curled into Alex's hair as Alex gently traced her fingers up and down her back. "You should probably go and see your parents" Bernie chuckled quietly.

"Probably" Alex nodded, "I am starting to get a bit hungry too."

"Okay" Bernie kissed Alex a final time before sitting up, pulling on a pair of Alex's pyjama bottoms as Alex pulled on shorts and a t-shirt.

"Come on" Alex held out her hand, "let's go and see what Mum's got for us to eat."


	11. Chapter 11

Unsurprisingly, Debbie was over the moon when Alex and Bernie made their way downstairs. She missed all of her children when they were away but especially Alex, knowing that her eldest child was willingly in a war zone had the woman's nerves constantly on edge. But at the same time Debbie understood that Alex was an adult and, as her mother, all she could do was support her and the decisions she made. 

Bernie and Alex sat with Debbie and Steve for almost half an hour before Alex stood from the sofa, "I'm going to go and make us something to eat" Alex told her parents, "do you want anything?" 

"No" Debbie stood up too, "you sit down, I'll make you both something." 

"I don't mind Mum I can…" 

Debbie cut Alex off with a single look and Alex sat back down, "will you be okay with a sandwich?" she asked, "Sam's coming round later with his girlfriend so we can order a takeaway or something when he gets here."

"Okay" Alex nodded, kissing Bernie's hair as the blonde tucked herself back into Alex's side, Bernie agreeing with Alex that a sandwich was fine. 

"Right then" Debbie smiled at how close Bernie and Alex were, "two sandwiches coming up." 

The family put a film on once Debbie returned with food for Alex and Bernie but nobody paid much attention to it, Debbie, Steve and Alex all catching up, Bernie so happy to be back in Alex's arms that she dozed off to sleep after finishing her sandwich, her head on Alex's shoulder, Alex's arm around her waist. 

"Look at them" Debbie whispered to her husband as she watched her daughter, Alex oblivious to the world as she watched Bernie sleep, gently stroking her hair as she held her closely. 

"I know" Steve smiled proudly, "she's so happy." He paused for a minute before asking, "when do you think…" 

He didn't finish, hoped Debbie knew what he was asking, Alex didn't look like she was paying any attention to her parents but he didn't want to let anything slip just in case. Luckily Debbie knew exactly what her husband was asking and answered almost instantly, "I don't know" she shrugged, "but I hope it's not long, I don't know if I can wait too long." 

Steve chuckled and reached for his wife's hand, "we'll wait until they're ready." 

"I know" Debbie leant in, letting her head fall onto Steve's shoulder, smiling as she felt him kiss her temple, "I love seeing them both so happy." 

"Me too Love" Steve smiled, "me too." 

"Mum" Sam bounded into the living room a while later, "where…" 

He didn't get to finish his question, didn't need to, Debbie knew exactly what he wanted to know, "in the kitchen with Bernie" she told him. Sam racing off, Tanya sulking along behind him. 

Alex and Bernie were waiting for the kettle to boil, making the most of the moment they had together, Alex stood against the cabinets, index fingers hooked through the belt loops on Bernie's jeans to hold her close as they kissed. 

"Alex" she allowed Bernie to take a step back when she heard her brother, "I've missed you so much" he beamed as he pulled her into a hug. 

"I've missed you too kid" Alex chuckled as she returned the hug. 

“Tan” he grinned as he pulled away from his sister, “this is my sister Alex.” 

“Yeah” Alex raised an eyebrow, “we've spoken before haven't we?” 

Sam frowned, “what do you mean?”

Alex said nothing but pulled her phone from her pocket, opening Facebook and showing her brother the message Tanya had sent her, a message she'd found so ridiculous that she hadn't even bothered to reply. 

_ ‘Hi, you don't know me but I've been seeing your brother Sam, and I think it's only fair that you should know he's been having an affair with Bernie. I know it's not a nice thing to hear but I think it's only for. that you should know what's been going on when you're away xx’ _

“You are kidding me right?” Sam turned to Tanya as he handed Bernie Alex's phone, feeling like she should read the message, “do you not remember me telling you that Bernie's like my sister? That she's my sisters girlfriend and even if I was vaguely attracted to her…” he turned to Bernie,” no offence like, but you've been around so long you are like my sister, it'd just be weird” he told her before turning back to Tanya, “she's in love with my sister. I wouldn't go there. And if you can't understand that then you need to leave now and don't come back.”

"There erm, there's something else you should probably know" Bernie said nervously, "about when I fell in the living room." 

"Bern" Alex frowned, Bernie having not mentioned the fall to her partner. 

"What about it?" Sam asked. 

"I erm, I didn't exactly fall…" 

"What do you mean?" Sam's frown matched Alex's.

Bernie bit her lip, her gaze fixed on the floor as she admitted, "I was tripped." 

"You…" the cogs were turning in Sam's brain, he remembered his mum racing into the room just moments after he had, the only person in the room with Bernie had been… He turned to Tanya, "you tripped her?" she didn't respond and Sam turned his attention back to Bernie, "why didn't you say anything?" 

"She's your girlfriend, I didn't want to cause an argument." Bernie leant into Alex when she felt an arm curl around her waist, Alex trying to contain the anger she felt towards Tanya. 

"You should have told me" Sam insisted before turning to Tanya, Bernie turning into Alex's embrace, letting her head rest on her partner's shoulder as Alex kissed her temple and held her close. "I think you need to leave" Sam told Tanya, "and don't contact me again." 

Tanya didn't argue, simply shrugged her shoulders, "whatever" she mumbled as she turned and left the house, making sure to slam the front door behind herself. 

"Is everything okay in here?" Debbie had seen Tanya leave but wasn't sure what had happened in the kitchen, "Bernie?" her concern grew when she saw how closely Alex was holding Bernie, Bernie's head buried in the crook of Alex's neck. 

"Tanya tripped Bernie that day in the living room" It was Sam who tried to explain, "and then she messaged Al to tell her me and Bernie were having some sort of sordid affair, we're not by the way, but I've told her to go and she won't be coming back." 

Nobody dwelled on what happened with Tanya, instead concentrated on enjoying their time together, but as much as she lived being home, loved spending time with her family, Alex was glad when she was able to close the bedroom door behind herself and Bernie that night. 

“Can I ask you something?” Alex asked Bernie once they'd changed and settled down for the night, once again both curled together in Alex's single bed, Alex's hand under the front of Bernie's pyjama top, fingertips tracing gentle patterns on her skin. 

“Yeah” Bernie smiled, “of course.” 

“Will you be honest with me?” Bernie frowned and nodded, “you erm… the fact you have trouble walking, it's not because of the fractured vertabre is it?” she'd been watching her partner since she'd got home and she knew there was something Bernie hadn't told her about her injuries. 

Bernie took a shaky breath and shook her head, “I didn't want to worry you. I erm, I lost some feeling in my legs after the IED, but I think everyone assumed, or was more worried about the fractures. I mentioned it again, that it was getting worse and they did scans and tests when I was back here and they found I had a lot of bruising and swelling to the lower part of my spinal cord.”

“Oh Bernie” Alex whispered, pulling Bernie even closer and kissing her hair, “you should have said something.”

“I didn't want to give you something else to worry about. Not until I knew just how bad it was, they erm, they released some of the pressure from my spinal cord in theatre and by the time I came round on the ward I already had a lot of the feeling back and it improved even more over the first few days after my surgery. I'm okay Al" she reached out to stroke her partner's cheek, ‘honestly.”

"You better be" Alex nuzzled into Bernie before kissing her softly, "I don't know what I'd do without you." 


	12. Chapter 12

Both Bernie and Alex were surprised when, just 2 weeks after Alex's return, Alex was handed Sam's car keys and she and Bernie were given a booking confirmation for a week long break on the south coast. 

"You two deserve some time together" Debbie had told them as they loaded up the car, Steve pressing a wad of cash into Bernie's hand and refusing to take it back when she protested. "Some proper time. away from everything, so you go away, relax, enjoy yourself, we'll still be here when you get back."

Alex made sure to make several stops on the drive, allowing Bernie to stretch her legs, even if it was just a short stroll, hand in hand around a service station. 

"Wow" Bernie gasped as she double checked the address they'd been given, they'd pulled up in front of a quaint cottage almost right on the beach, "this is…" 

"It is isn't it?" Alex reached for Bernie's hand and squeezed it gently, "shall we go and see what it's like inside?" 

"Yeah" Bernie smiled. "Let's go." 

The cottage was small but had everything they'd need for a relaxing break, the large windows in the only bedroom looking out over the secluded beach. 

They unpacked their things before going for a stroll around the village to stretch their legs, stopping at the small corner shop to pick up a few essentials to keep them going for the next few days. 

Both tired from the long drive, they curled up together, once they were back from the walk both falling into a content slumber on the bed to doze the afternoon away.  Alex was the first to wake, happy to hold Bernie close until the blonde began to stir in her arms, Bernie groaning softly as Alex ‘helped’ her wake by showering her in soft kisses, “hello” she yawned as her eyes fluttered open when Alex placed a kiss to the crook of her neck.

“Hello yourself” Alex smiled, her hand coming to rest on Bernie’s hip as she kissed her properly.

Bernie’s eyes closed again as Alex kissed her lips, the corners of her mouth curling up into a smile as she told her, “I love you too.”

Neither woman felt the urge to move and they spent almost an hour holding each other, sharing gentle kisses and making the most of the time they had together until a quiet rumble from Bernie’s stomach reminded them just how long it had been since lunch.

“What do you want to do?” Alex asked as she played with Bernie’s hair, Bernie’s head resting on her shoulder. “Do you want to eat here or go out somewhere?”

“We could go to that pub we walked past earlier” Bernie suggested, “I could do with stretching my legs.”

“Okay” Alex placed a kiss to Bernie’s nose before sitting up, “sounds like a plan to me.”

They chose to sit side by side in the pub, thighs touching as they ate, Alex’s hand resting on Bernie’s knee between courses, neither woman feeling the need for conversation. The world around them seemed to fade away, a happy bubble surrounding the pair as they shared forkfuls of food, Bernie brushing sauce from the corner of Alex’s mouth, Alex nipping playfully at Bernie’s thumb.  They didn’t care what other people thought, didn’t need anyone’s approval, they were together and they were happy, that’s all that mattered to them.

Alex batted away Bernie’s hands when she reached for the bill, insisting on paying for it herself, kissing the protests from Bernie’s lips before heading over to the bar to pay.

"Can we go for a walk before we head back?" Bernie asked when Alex returned, desperately trying to hide her nerves as she thought about the black velvet box in her pocket. She smiled when Alex nodded, the brunette returning Bernie's smile and holding out her hand to help Bernie from her seat, not letting it go as they left the pub. 

They strolled along the seafront path hand in hand, Bernie hadn't said as much but Alex could tell she was tired so she took it slowly, letting Bernie set the pace. “Can we…” Bernie gestured to an empty bench looking out over the sea, Alex's instincts were right, Bernie was exhausted and a combination of both, sitting in the car for so long, and their earlier walk around the village had left her with a pain in her legs and back that she knew would only be relieved by the prescription painkillers in her wash bag. 

“Of course” Alex smiled, sitting beside Bernie on the wooden bench, fingers still entwined as they watched the waves crashing on the sands, neither woman feeling the need to break the silence. 

It was Bernie who spoke first, her words coming out of the blue when she said simply, “marry me?” 

Alex turned to face Bernie, surprise obvious on her face, “you…”

“I know we had everything all planned out for the future, but the IED, the op, it's made me realise what I want, it made me realise how lucky I am to have you and I… you're it for me Alex and I would love to be able to call you my wife.”

“Oh Darling” Alex reached up, cupping Bernie's cheek with her free hand, “there is nothing in this world that I would like more than to be your wife” she said as she kissed Bernie’s lips. 

“I love you” Bernie whispered against Alex's lips.

“I love you too” Alex smiled, “and you should probably know that I erm, I've handed in my request to leave, my next tour will be my last. I know, we all know the risks, as medics we probably know better than most what ‘could’ happen, but you always think it won't happen to you, and seeing you… It made me think about all the plans we made, our wedding, starting a family...I don't want to miss out on that, I want to have that all with you.”

Bernie smiled, letting her forehead fall against Alex's, “I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about that. I wasn't particularly looking forward to you going on tour without me.”

“Well” Alex chuckled, “I'll only be doing it once, and you can spend that time planning for our wedding and looking for IVF clinics, and when I'm home, we can start making all those dreams we had a reality.”

Bernie smiled and nodded, pulling away from Alex for a moment and fumbling in her pocket before pulling out the ring box she’d been hiding, “you might want this” she said as she opened the box to reveal the engagement ring she and Debbie had chosen together. 

“Oh” Alex's eyes filled with tears, “Bernie, it's beautiful,” she said as she let Bernie slip the ring onto her finger, “thank you. Thank you so much.” 

“It's nothing less than you deserve Darling, and I mean that, I really do.” 

They headed straight to bed when they arrived back at their cottage, silently agreeing that an early night was what they both needed. 

Their years in the army meant that it didn't take long for either woman to shower and soon they were curled together in bed, limbs tangled under the duvet, "even when we've got all this space we still curl up together" Alex chuckled, referring to the fact that they both shared her childhood, single, bed at Debbie and Steve's, even though they'd offered to swap it for a double several times, cuddling up together reminded them both of the night they first met, and the night they became a couple, moments neither of them would ever forget. 

“What are you thinking?” Bernie asked softly as they laid together, Bernie's fingers gently combing through Alex's hair. 

“Marry me?” Alex asked suddenly, lifting her gaze to meet Bernie's.

Bernie frowned and lifted Alex's left hand, “we've already had this conversation” she said as she ran her finger over Alex's engagement ring. 

“No, now, well, not now, before I go back, I…What happened to you. I know it's unlikely but if I… I want you to be recognised as my wife. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just…” she shrugged, her gaze falling back to her lap. 

“I understand” Bernie squeezed the hand she was still holding, “I'll call the registry office in the morning, see if they can help us, we can do the legal stuff now and have a bigger celebration when you're home for good.” 

Alex was shocked that Bernie had agreed so rapidly, "are you sure?" 

Bernie nodded and kissed Alex's lips, "I want you to be my wife, I've never been surer of anything in my life."


End file.
